When everything is right yet nothing is!

It’s 2 am and I am drowned in various thoughts, sleep seems miles away.
I dont know what I am feeling right now. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. sometimes, I fail to recognize myself in the mirror. I fail to look into my own eyes. What was I? What have I become? 

As I truly read somewhere,

 “This masquerade of life has turned us into such conceiting souls that we can’t see ourselves clearly even in pictures anymore.”

It seems I am distancing myself from everyone. The scariest part is everyone includes myself as well. No this isn’t what I am doing intentionally. It’s just something happening right in front of my eyes and I am looking at things breaking apart in my own life like a mere spectator.
My hold on my life is loosening every second. You know when I was young I used to be a happy go lucky and a bubbly child. Now when I look at my reflection, that happy child mocks me. This scares me to no end. I quickly turn away and paint my face with a huge though hollow smile. I don’t want anyone to ask me what’s wrong because I don’t know the answer myself. 
I have fears, insecurities, anxieties which get hidden during day time but come haunting me at night. Night makes me vulnerable. It makes me stand in front of those demons, I’ve been running away from during day time. 
I have a bunch of great friends but my insecurities never let me open up. People always consider me strong and brave. Indeed I am . But sometimes, just sometimes that strength vanishes leaving me vulnerable. 
I hate being weak. I never want to need anybody. I’ve always believed that people eventually go away. It’s not that I never shared anything. I did. But lately I’m realizing that as I am growing up, the number of people in my life are decreasing. I pretend that it doesn’t bother me. But it does. More than about losing people, I guess it’s about losing myself in this process. 
Is my personality, my attitude, my true self becoming my greatest enemy depriving me of happiness of my own life? I don’t know.

One question keeps invading my mind, “Why me?”. Don’t we all have circumstances in which we ask this question. But a sudden realization struck me. Why do we ask this question only when we are troubled, upset or sad? Why don’t we ask “why me?” when we are really happy or when we get something to be joyful and proud about? 

I guess we often see life in either black or white which isn’t possible. life is grey so is our circumstances. 

A prickly summer is necessary to make us realize the value of lively monsoon. In the same way, pain, suffering, sadness is essential to help us value relations, people and our inner Happiness.
I hope that the next time I take the mask down, the real face shines more bright!
-Shreya Agrawal

Advertisements

19 thoughts on “When everything is right yet nothing is!

Add yours

  1. That’s the feeling which scares the hell out of me too, not only me i’m sure there are a lot of people struggling with this confinement themselves and to put it into words that too so amazingly…deserves a kudos! So keep doing that😊😊

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I really like this post, it shows a really vulnerable angle and I think it’s great to try and understand those feelings. I have to agree that I often wonder why me and it’s so true that life is not black and white! Keep writing, I really enjoyed this and look forward to seeing more from you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey thank you so much for your kind words. It means a lot especially to a new blogger like me.
      Yeah, I often wonder that. I just tried giving words to my feelings. Glad you could relate.
      Will definitely come up with more good stuff.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: