It’s 2 am and I am drowned in various thoughts, sleep seems miles away.
I dont know what I am feeling right now. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. sometimes, I fail to recognize myself in the mirror. I fail to look into my own eyes. What was I? What have I become?
As I truly read somewhere,
“This masquerade of life has turned us into such conceiting souls that we can’t see ourselves clearly even in pictures anymore.”
It seems I am distancing myself from everyone. The scariest part is everyone includes myself as well. No this isn’t what I am doing intentionally. It’s just something happening right in front of my eyes and I am looking at things breaking apart in my own life like a mere spectator.
My hold on my life is loosening every second. You know when I was young I used to be a happy go lucky and a bubbly child. Now when I look at my reflection, that happy child mocks me. This scares me to no end. I quickly turn away and paint my face with a huge though hollow smile. I don’t want anyone to ask me what’s wrong because I don’t know the answer myself.
I have fears, insecurities, anxieties which get hidden during day time but come haunting me at night. Night makes me vulnerable. It makes me stand in front of those demons, I’ve been running away from during day time.
I have a bunch of great friends but my insecurities never let me open up. People always consider me strong and brave. Indeed I am . But sometimes, just sometimes that strength vanishes leaving me vulnerable.
I hate being weak. I never want to need anybody. I’ve always believed that people eventually go away. It’s not that I never shared anything. I did. But lately I’m realizing that as I am growing up, the number of people in my life are decreasing. I pretend that it doesn’t bother me. But it does. More than about losing people, I guess it’s about losing myself in this process.
Is my personality, my attitude, my true self becoming my greatest enemy depriving me of happiness of my own life? I don’t know.
One question keeps invading my mind, “Why me?”. Don’t we all have circumstances in which we ask this question. But a sudden realization struck me. Why do we ask this question only when we are troubled, upset or sad? Why don’t we ask “why me?” when we are really happy or when we get something to be joyful and proud about?
I guess we often see life in either black or white which isn’t possible. life is grey so is our circumstances.
A prickly summer is necessary to make us realize the value of lively monsoon. In the same way, pain, suffering, sadness is essential to help us value relations, people and our inner Happiness.
I hope that the next time I take the mask down, the real face shines more bright!