When everything is right yet nothing is!

It’s 2 am and I am drowned in various thoughts, sleep seems miles away.
I dont know what I am feeling right now. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. sometimes, I fail to recognize myself in the mirror. I fail to look into my own eyes. What was I? What have I become? 

As I truly read somewhere,

 “This masquerade of life has turned us into such conceiting souls that we can’t see ourselves clearly even in pictures anymore.”

It seems I am distancing myself from everyone. The scariest part is everyone includes myself as well. No this isn’t what I am doing intentionally. It’s just something happening right in front of my eyes and I am looking at things breaking apart in my own life like a mere spectator.
My hold on my life is loosening every second. You know when I was young I used to be a happy go lucky and a bubbly child. Now when I look at my reflection, that happy child mocks me. This scares me to no end. I quickly turn away and paint my face with a huge though hollow smile. I don’t want anyone to ask me what’s wrong because I don’t know the answer myself. 
I have fears, insecurities, anxieties which get hidden during day time but come haunting me at night. Night makes me vulnerable. It makes me stand in front of those demons, I’ve been running away from during day time. 
I have a bunch of great friends but my insecurities never let me open up. People always consider me strong and brave. Indeed I am . But sometimes, just sometimes that strength vanishes leaving me vulnerable. 
I hate being weak. I never want to need anybody. I’ve always believed that people eventually go away. It’s not that I never shared anything. I did. But lately I’m realizing that as I am growing up, the number of people in my life are decreasing. I pretend that it doesn’t bother me. But it does. More than about losing people, I guess it’s about losing myself in this process. 
Is my personality, my attitude, my true self becoming my greatest enemy depriving me of happiness of my own life? I don’t know.

One question keeps invading my mind, “Why me?”. Don’t we all have circumstances in which we ask this question. But a sudden realization struck me. Why do we ask this question only when we are troubled, upset or sad? Why don’t we ask “why me?” when we are really happy or when we get something to be joyful and proud about? 

I guess we often see life in either black or white which isn’t possible. life is grey so is our circumstances. 

A prickly summer is necessary to make us realize the value of lively monsoon. In the same way, pain, suffering, sadness is essential to help us value relations, people and our inner Happiness.
I hope that the next time I take the mask down, the real face shines more bright!
-Shreya Agrawal

But all we have is NOW!

Future – One phase we are always worried about.

Past – One phase we always dwell upon.
But what about our present. Are we really living it or surviving it?

I often find myself worrying what my future would be like. I contemplate the events that have already occurred. Don’t we all do this? we all are working towards making our life better. It is undoubtedly great. But in this quest to be happy later in life, aren’t we missing out on our happiness, joys today? 
While assembling my textbooks today, I found my old sketching book. Covered in dust, just like my happiness today. Going through its pages, childhood memories ran through my mind.

No, it wasn’t about missing my past. It was about missing my today. Just like that one book getting lost in the stack of thousands of books, our present happiness is getting weighed down somewhere because of future responsibilities.

We are searching for things to make our future perfect. But I guess the most important thing required is to make our today perfect. 

Why can’t we understand that our present is the future of our past? We made plans for this day but we are again spending it making plans for tomorrow. 

We always compromise our short term joys for our long term goals. 

I still remember thousands of plans I made spending my days, hours, minutes for my future which never really happened. How I wish I actually lived those moments instead of spending them planning other moments!
We always think happiness is a ‘Future thing’. No it isn’t, it is a ‘present thing’. We can be happy today.

Do you remember the last time you went somewhere and didn’t click several photos to make that moment immortal?

I guess we believe more in capturing moments rather than actually living it.

Our future hasn’t arrived yet.Till then, let’s step out in the rain more often, laugh at nonsense jokes, dance crazily, draw funky pictures, paint our faces while colouring, smile more. Basically, let’s LIVE today! 

Shreya Agrawal

To the innocence and dreams that died! 

When I grow up, I will travel the world”,

 “When I grow up, I will climb the tallest mountain”,


 “When I grow up, I will be on top of this world” and so on.

Weren’t these our thoughts when we were those full of ‘hopes, desires, and innocence’ kids?

These thoughts occupy my mind as I watch trees sprinting fast from the car, wind gushing my hairs, nostalgia embracing me, stealing a tear or two.
Where did those dreams, hopes, aspirations go? Most importantly, where did that pious innocence escaped which took us to an imaginary world full of perfection?

Today, we all are moving forward. Is this walk towards our dream, happiness? I don’t know. There’s no stoppage in this journey. keep moving forward else you are stuck forever. But when there is a minute or two of silence, those childhood dreams grip me hard. It makes me contemplate my real self. What have I become? Where am I going? Is this where I always wanted to be? Questions like these haunt me making me miss my lost innocence. This world is full of deceit. I don’t belong here. I never belonged here. 

How I wish I could get back to those days when fairy tales seemed real. When people could be trusted. When dreams weren’t just a mirage. When future didn’t seem bleak. When heartbreaks were just losing my favourite cartoon eraser. When a perfect test score was enough to make my day. When a I smiled a little more and laughed a little real. When everything was imperfect yet so perfect. When I was immature yet full of life. 
Car brakes put a break to my thoughts as I reach my destination. My real destination seems far, I don’t know of it exists. Till then lets take the steering wheel in our hands, pull the glass pane down, feel the wind on our faces and enjoy the journey called Life! 


Shreya Agrawal

Mediocrity- is it okay? 

Mediocrity– one thing I’ve always feared the most. I hate being average. I hate being one in the crowd. I’ve always feared getting lost in it. You know whenever I was in any way just ‘average’, it killed me inside. I don’t know if I should be happy about this personality of mine or should change myself. I have always read and heard that you can’t get everything you want. True. But I hate bowing to life. YOLO, right? 

I want to make the most of my life. Since childhood, I have been treated in a special way. I’ve always been the most popular girl. And I admit it or not, it kind of has made me used to it. 

Now when things don’t go my way, I lose it.

I am standing at the crossroad right now. One path will lead me to settled but ‘mediocre’ life and another to fluctuating but exciting life. You may think, it is easy selecting the option but believe you me, it is not. Difficult especially when you are uncertain ’bout your future. 

You can’t select your future regarding your silly thoughts (as some call it), right? You need to get practical and rational about your life, as people say to me.

But I don’t want to be rational. I don’t want to be practical. I just want to be that silly kid who wants what it wants. No compromise! 

What if I end up living a life I’ve always dreaded? what if I become ‘just another’?

What if I end up being ‘Mediocre’?

– Shreya Agrawal

Detachment!

Crowds of people. Deafening noise. Familiar and unfamiliar faces. Everybody a part of mad race. A quest with no end, with no winners, no rewards. Everybody is speaking, nobody is expressing. Everybody is listening, nobody is understanding. Everybody is gossiping, nobody is discussing. Pale faces, hollow smiles, crooked laughters.  

This is the reality of today’s world. 

With technological advancements, human emotions have taken a backseat. We may have drew closer to people living far away but the saddening effect of this revolution is that it has drifted us away from ourselves. I have always considered the relation which we have with ourselves as the most important one. But now do we have time to talk to ourselves, to care about ourselves, to listen to our inner voice? perhaps no. Our smiles have faded. We don’t even laugh the same anymore. Laughing till our stomachs hurt. Irony is that we don’t even cry for our situations anymore. Why showing our emotions has became so out dated? When did truly feeling something with your heart escaped our personalities? When did we human beings become so hollow, so shallow ? 

Smiling at strangers. Playing with a baby. when was the last time you did that?

I think as we are growing up, we all are killing a part of ourselves. As it is said ‘Don’t die before you are dead’
As I write this standing amidst 50 people right now, all I can see is one person laughing his heart out, a 2 year old.

-Shreya Agrawal 

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