A Talk With The Mirror!

Hey!

Yes I am talking to you. Who are you? I don’t know you. I fail to recognize you now. You aren’t the person I’ve known since years. You weren’t this. What have you become? Is this what you wanted?
Wait. I know you’ll once again dodge these questions, fake a smile and go away. But not today. I’ll not let you go. You need to listen to me today.

Look right into my eyes. Stop running away from yourself. Do you realise that you have changed?  A lot. Where is that girl who was alive? Yes, you seem dead to me. I know people grow. People do change. But this change of yours is for the worse. Why are you losing yourself in the process of growing up? Had a failure? A heartbreak? A lost friend? Got cheated? A rejection? That’s all? Were these things so huge that you couldn’t face? that you couldn’t fight? 

That’s the reason I couldn’t identify you. Because you were a warrior not a loser. You weren’t submissive to your situations. You know you have fought before. You never gave up. You had hopes, desires, aspirations. One strong blow of wind and you hid in the shelter? Your fearlessness was your biggest strength. But what is this emotional turmoil you are facing right now? Why aren’t you ready to fight now? Why do you feel so weak to even face your own self? 

I know lately you have been sad, upset but why do you fear showing this to the world? Why do you always have to paint a smile? 

As rightly said by R.H. Sin,

“It’s not always your heart, sometimes your mind breaks as well.”

I know you are fighting your own battles inside you. You feel lonely in this phase. You crave affection. But believe me, the person who went inside this battle won’t be the same who came out. You know you don’t need anyone to tell you that you can. Because you are aware of this fact yourself. You are the strongest when alone. People eventually leave. People you couldn’t even imagine will end up hurting you. You have scars. Flaunt them. It is the proof that you survived. You didn’t give up. The person who is going to be with you forever is right there in front of you. Love her. Care for her. 

Right now, you need yourself the most. 
I can see, your past haunts you and future scares you to no end. But is this worth giving up your present for? 

“What if you never move on? What if things don’t go your way? What if your closest people leave? What if  you are left alone? What if you fail? What if? What if? What if?”

These questions bother you, I know. These questions and doubts have made you kneel down. But you need to get up my girl. Remember

“An injured Lion is even more dangerous.”

You still have that ferocity. You still have that strength. Believe me, you are still a warrior. The warrior in you is asking to break free these shackles you’ve created for yourself. 

Don’t succumb to situations. Make situations succumb to you. The path in front of you seems tricky and full of potholes but you aren’t made for straight roads anyway.

You’ve been hurt before and you have fought the demons before. It’s time for a ”retake”!

–Shreya Agrawal

 
 

Because some people are just not meant to be!

Haven’t we all came across people who once meant the world to us but now lies there somewhere in Oblivion?

There were people in my life too whom I cherished a lot. But you know I realised that moving on this endless path called life, we come across many beautiful flowers who give us life long memories and then again they turn out to be mere weeds leaving scars forever. Attachments have always been my greatest fear and this fear keeps on increasing with every weed I come across disguising as a beautiful flower.

For me, getting attached is difficult but going away after being attached is heartbreaking. But lately I have realised that some people are just not worth the pain and effort. 

“Sometimes holding on does more damage than letting go”

People leave just like they enter our lives, in a whiff of moment, leaving us all vulnerable, helpless and still ‘attached’.
You know that’s the whole issue with any relationship nowadays. One person is always more attached than the other. When a bond breaks, one always suffers more. We are all lonely people seeking solace in other person. The biggest mistake we do is make a person, our ‘home‘. When that person leaves us, we are not only deprived of that attachment. We are deprived of our ‘home’, our solace. 

The number of times I see people around me breaking apart because of a person, something just enrages me. I think relationships are about building one another and not breaking them. Be it any relationship. 

All I think in such circumstances is ‘Let Go‘. I know this isn’t as easy as it sounds. Letting go is an emotional roller coaster ride. With a person, a part of you leaves. Memories and their emotional presence haunt you like anything. You want to move forward but something just pulls you back. Even a slight mention of the name floods your mind with everything you thought you forgot. But isn’t that better than breaking yourself into pieces every single moment?

“Sometimes you just pull of a band aid and it hurts, but then it’s over and you are relieved.”

Sometimes you have to and you should wear a brave and cold mask over a vulnerable and helpless face. 
This isn’t selfish. 

Thinking about our own self is never selfish in my eyes. Protecting ourselves isn’t selfish. Loving ourselves isn’t selfish. Because, 

If you won’t love yourself, who else will? If you won’t care about yourself, who else will? 

It’s high time. Take the steering wheel of your life in your own hand. Don’t let anyone hinder your path. You’ll meet a number of people taking a lift in your journey.

 “Some will give you lessons to live life while some will be lessons themselves.”

Life is incomplete without either of them. 

Stop pitying yourself. 

“You aren’t a princess who needs to be saved, you are a warrior yourself! “

-Shreya Agrawal! 

When everything is right yet nothing is!

It’s 2 am and I am drowned in various thoughts, sleep seems miles away.
I dont know what I am feeling right now. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. sometimes, I fail to recognize myself in the mirror. I fail to look into my own eyes. What was I? What have I become? 

As I truly read somewhere,

 “This masquerade of life has turned us into such conceiting souls that we can’t see ourselves clearly even in pictures anymore.”

It seems I am distancing myself from everyone. The scariest part is everyone includes myself as well. No this isn’t what I am doing intentionally. It’s just something happening right in front of my eyes and I am looking at things breaking apart in my own life like a mere spectator.
My hold on my life is loosening every second. You know when I was young I used to be a happy go lucky and a bubbly child. Now when I look at my reflection, that happy child mocks me. This scares me to no end. I quickly turn away and paint my face with a huge though hollow smile. I don’t want anyone to ask me what’s wrong because I don’t know the answer myself. 
I have fears, insecurities, anxieties which get hidden during day time but come haunting me at night. Night makes me vulnerable. It makes me stand in front of those demons, I’ve been running away from during day time. 
I have a bunch of great friends but my insecurities never let me open up. People always consider me strong and brave. Indeed I am . But sometimes, just sometimes that strength vanishes leaving me vulnerable. 
I hate being weak. I never want to need anybody. I’ve always believed that people eventually go away. It’s not that I never shared anything. I did. But lately I’m realizing that as I am growing up, the number of people in my life are decreasing. I pretend that it doesn’t bother me. But it does. More than about losing people, I guess it’s about losing myself in this process. 
Is my personality, my attitude, my true self becoming my greatest enemy depriving me of happiness of my own life? I don’t know.

One question keeps invading my mind, “Why me?”. Don’t we all have circumstances in which we ask this question. But a sudden realization struck me. Why do we ask this question only when we are troubled, upset or sad? Why don’t we ask “why me?” when we are really happy or when we get something to be joyful and proud about? 

I guess we often see life in either black or white which isn’t possible. life is grey so is our circumstances. 

A prickly summer is necessary to make us realize the value of lively monsoon. In the same way, pain, suffering, sadness is essential to help us value relations, people and our inner Happiness.
I hope that the next time I take the mask down, the real face shines more bright!
-Shreya Agrawal

But all we have is NOW!

Future – One phase we are always worried about.

Past – One phase we always dwell upon.
But what about our present. Are we really living it or surviving it?

I often find myself worrying what my future would be like. I contemplate the events that have already occurred. Don’t we all do this? we all are working towards making our life better. It is undoubtedly great. But in this quest to be happy later in life, aren’t we missing out on our happiness, joys today? 
While assembling my textbooks today, I found my old sketching book. Covered in dust, just like my happiness today. Going through its pages, childhood memories ran through my mind.

No, it wasn’t about missing my past. It was about missing my today. Just like that one book getting lost in the stack of thousands of books, our present happiness is getting weighed down somewhere because of future responsibilities.

We are searching for things to make our future perfect. But I guess the most important thing required is to make our today perfect. 

Why can’t we understand that our present is the future of our past? We made plans for this day but we are again spending it making plans for tomorrow. 

We always compromise our short term joys for our long term goals. 

I still remember thousands of plans I made spending my days, hours, minutes for my future which never really happened. How I wish I actually lived those moments instead of spending them planning other moments!
We always think happiness is a ‘Future thing’. No it isn’t, it is a ‘present thing’. We can be happy today.

Do you remember the last time you went somewhere and didn’t click several photos to make that moment immortal?

I guess we believe more in capturing moments rather than actually living it.

Our future hasn’t arrived yet.Till then, let’s step out in the rain more often, laugh at nonsense jokes, dance crazily, draw funky pictures, paint our faces while colouring, smile more. Basically, let’s LIVE today! 

–Shreya Agrawal

To the innocence and dreams that died!

“When I grow up, I will travel the world”,

 “When I grow up, I will climb the tallest mountain”,

 “When I grow up, I will be on top of this world” and so on.

Weren’t these our thoughts when we were those full of ‘hopes, desires, and innocence’ kids?

These thoughts occupy my mind as I watch trees sprinting fast from the car, wind gushing my hairs, nostalgia embracing me, stealing a tear or two.
Where did those dreams, hopes, aspirations go? Most importantly, where did that pious innocence escaped which took us to an imaginary world full of perfection?

Today, we all are moving forward. Is this walk towards our dream, happiness? I don’t know. There’s no stoppage in this journey. keep moving forward else you are stuck forever. But when there is a minute or two of silence, those childhood dreams grip me hard. It makes me contemplate my real self. What have I become? Where am I going? Is this where I always wanted to be? Questions like these haunt me making me miss my lost innocence. This world is full of deceit. I don’t belong here. I never belonged here. 

How I wish I could get back to those days when fairy tales seemed real. When people could be trusted. When dreams weren’t just a mirage. When future didn’t seem bleak. When heartbreaks were just losing my favourite cartoon eraser. When a perfect test score was enough to make my day. When a I smiled a little more and laughed a little real. When everything was imperfect yet so perfect. When I was immature yet full of life. 
Car brakes put a break to my thoughts as I reach my destination. My real destination seems far, I don’t know of it exists. Till then lets take the steering wheel in our hands, pull the glass pane down, feel the wind on our faces and enjoy the journey called Life! 

–Shreya Agrawal

Mediocrity- is it okay?

Mediocrity– one thing I’ve always feared the most. I hate being average. I hate being one in the crowd. I’ve always feared getting lost in it. You know whenever I was in any way just ‘average’, it killed me inside. I don’t know if I should be happy about this personality of mine or should change myself. I have always read and heard that you can’t get everything you want. True. But I hate bowing to life. YOLO, right? 

I want to make the most of my life. Since childhood, I have been treated in a special way. I’ve always been the most popular girl. And I admit it or not, it kind of has made me used to it. 

Now when things don’t go my way, I lose it.

I am standing at the crossroad right now. One path will lead me to settled but ‘mediocre’ life and another to fluctuating but exciting life. You may think, it is easy selecting the option but believe you me, it is not. Difficult especially when you are uncertain ’bout your future. 

You can’t select your future regarding your silly thoughts (as some call it), right? You need to get practical and rational about your life, as people say to me.

But I don’t want to be rational. I don’t want to be practical. I just want to be that silly kid who wants what it wants. No compromise! 

What if I end up living a life I’ve always dreaded? what if I become ‘just another’?

What if I end up being ‘Mediocre’?

– Shreya Agrawal

Detachment!

Crowds of people. Deafening noise. Familiar and unfamiliar faces. Everybody a part of mad race. A quest with no end, with no winners, no rewards. Everybody is speaking, nobody is expressing. Everybody is listening, nobody is understanding. Everybody is gossiping, nobody is discussing. Pale faces, hollow smiles, crooked laughters.  

This is the reality of today’s world. 

With technological advancements, human emotions have taken a backseat. We may have drew closer to people living far away but the saddening effect of this revolution is that it has drifted us away from ourselves. I have always considered the relation which we have with ourselves as the most important one. But now do we have time to talk to ourselves, to care about ourselves, to listen to our inner voice? perhaps no. Our smiles have faded. We don’t even laugh the same anymore. Laughing till our stomachs hurt. Irony is that we don’t even cry for our situations anymore. Why showing our emotions has became so out dated? When did truly feeling something with your heart escaped our personalities? When did we human beings become so hollow, so shallow ? 

Smiling at strangers. Playing with a baby. when was the last time you did that?

I think as we are growing up, we all are killing a part of ourselves. As it is said ‘Don’t die before you are dead’
As I write this standing amidst 50 people right now, all I can see is one person laughing his heart out, a 2 year old.

-Shreya Agrawal